I Am Kathryn's Real Self
by Coral
Summary: Rediscovering a repressed soul.


I Am Kathryn's Real Self By Coral

Disclaimer: Oh, give us a break, Paramount!

So why has Janeway been so bitchy the past couple of seasons...?

Trapped. I've been trapped in her body for the past four years; unable to influence her actions when she needed help the most. I've been trapped behind an impenetrable barrier of some sort, not really there, but impenetrable just the same. I've watched her distance herself from her friends, act irrationally and risk everyone's lives, all under his influence.

Him. I know nothing about him, only that he calls himself 'B' and he is determined to block all that remains of me, Kathryn, from her mind. Determined to rid her of all my influences.

Sometimes I can affect her slightly, but it never lasts for long. Drawing on the strength of those close to her, Chakotay and Tuvok in particular, I can help her do something small, to salvage the something of the wreck that is her life now. Just a smile, a tear, a momentary letting down of guards. But the effect soon wears off, whilst I am confined here, forced to watch as she demotes Tom for acting compassionately, reprimands Harry for falling in love, as she ignores Tuvok's sound advice and friendship, as she pushes Chakotay away once again.

No longer. I will stand for it no longer. Today I will defeat B, no matter how hard it may be to do so. I will no longer stand back and let B ruin Kathryn Janeway's life, or my name's not... well, my name's not Kathryn Janeway. The line must be drawn here.

"Captain?"

Her head lifts as Chakotay addresses her with concern.

"Commander? Is something wrong?" she asks formally, guided by B.

"I was wondering if you're all right, Kathryn. You've been more isolated than usual these past few days."

"I'm fine," she says crisply, her attitude giving him the brush-off. It's killing me to see them like this, but I won't succumb to B's tricks.

Chakotay sits down in front of the desk, leaning forward with worry evident in his whole being. "No, you're not. Now, tell me what's bothering you."

Temporarily gaining control, I help her admit, "Everything, Chakotay." She gets up from behind the desk and paces over to the window, stopping to stare out at the stars. "I'm alone, Chakotay, and I wish..." The sentence is broken off as B regains control and blocks my influence.

"What?" Chakotay prompts, eager to help her work through whatever is bothering her.

She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter."

In three steps, Chakotay is by her side at the window, concern for her in his eyes. "Of course it matters," he says softly, placing his hands on her shoulders to force her to look at him. "It's obviously worrying you."

Gathering strength from the love and concern emanating from him in waves, I break through for a moment. "I wish I'd never pushed you away after New Earth."

Fuming, B pushes me away again, but the damage is done now. Chakotay, close to tears, takes her into his arms and murmurs, "We can still make this work."

B has regained control; she pulls away. "We've been through this, Chakotay," she says stiffly. "It wouldn't work."

Confused and hurt, Chakotay asks, "But Kathryn, I thought you said..."

His desperation spurs me on and inspires me to fight harder. "Oh, Chakotay," she sighs as I regain control once again, "I'm torn inside. We can't do this," she adds as B once more takes control.

"Kathryn," Chakotay says patiently, taking her face in his hand and turning it to him, "I love you."

B's struggles increase as I again find my foothold in her consciousness. Something desperate will be needed to drive B out, something impossible to ignore...

She kisses him.

Shocked, he kisses her back.

NO! NO! You can't do this! B's anguished scream echoes around me, trying to disrupt my concentration.

I can and I will, I say calmly. She's been your slave long enough. You've ruined her life long enough. I can feel myself growing stronger, their shared love urging me on.

NO! B screams again, determined not to let this happen, trying his utmost to regain her for himself, but their love is far too strong for him now.

Leave now. It's over, I tell him gently. With a last scream of despair, B vanishes. She's mine once more.

The kiss breaks.

"Kathryn..." Chakotay begins.

"Chakotay..." she begins at the same time, and they share an understanding smile before she continues, "I love you."

"I love you too," he replies, before kissing her again.

And I'm satisfied at last.

Kathryn Janeway is back, and this time... She's here to stay.

END 


End file.
